Sunday, January 9, 2011

it snowed.

I'm not sure of a lot of things. I don't have prof I don't have evidence but I'm learning that that's okay. Today my mind has been thinking a lot. round and round it goes.

When I was a teenager, I hated more then i loved, I hated who i was, I hated where I was, I hated a lot of things. I was confused I was unsure and I was mad.
I've grown up in an LDS religion I've gone to church since I was little. I believed I went to church and I trusted, I loved hearing stories about faith and I believed them. Once a month there is a fast and testimony meeting where it is open to the people in the church to get up and share there testimony on the gospel of Jesus Christ of latter day saints. When I was really little, I was obnoxious and always wanted to be talking and the center of attention, every other Sunday we would go to my Dad's church on their fast and testimony meetings all you would have to do was stand up and the priesthood holders would bring you a microphone and you could bare your testimony from where you were standing, I remember I would stand up almost every fast and testimony meeting. One time in particular my little brother was laying underneath the benches and while I was baring my testimony he started to tickle my feet, I was getting really frustrated and flustered. I started to cry. after the meeting a women came up to me and thanked me for my testimony and she told me, I cried because I had felt the spirt.
I thought. You are wrong.
I started to question if anything i had been taught was true. up to this point I had trusted my parents and what they had said and what they had taught. Now i was confused. was this all a lie. I didn't bare my testimony anymore.

I grew into a teenager and lost all belief in Love. I didn't know what it was and I thought it was just a lie. I hated myself so much. I would say the meanest things to God, You screwed up, what is wrong with you, If anything is possible fix me, change me, please bless that I will just die turn into nothing become nothing,

One Christmas we were not suppose to get snow. the chance was slim. the weather man said we would not be getting snow for Christmas.
That Christmas Eve I said a prayer for the first time in a long time, I needed to know if God loved me, I asked for a sign, (I know now sign seeking isn't right Its not faith but i was at a different place I was thinking differently then I do now)
I prayed that if it snowed then, I would know God loves me, I remember my mom coming into the room Christmas morning to wake us up, one of the first things she said was, It snowed. I jumped up and ran to the window. It had snowed. was this an answer to my prayer? I was hopeful for a little while then told myself no. it was a coincidence. It would have snowed even if I didn't say that prayer.

I've experienced a lot of things, I've thought a lot of things, I was dreaming once, I was lucid dreaming, so i knew i was dreaming and i was manipulating it to have things happen the way i wanted them to, In my dream I thought I'm going to go back in time and I am going to change some things make them so they never happened, in my dream I couldn't do it, it wouldn't change for me. The things I wanted to change so bad wouldn't change for me. Then the thought i had was, maybe it wasn't something that you would have liked to happen, but maybe it was suppose to happen, now, move forward. except it the way it is, learn from it and move on.

I appreciated that dream. I am at a totally different place to where I was, But I am thankful for what I have experienced, I feel like I am a more compassionate, understanding person because of what I have learned. I am thankful for what I have learned and I can recognize the difference my life was, to what is now. am I perfect now, have I overcome all my weaknesses. no. I'm still learning but because I was able to apply the atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ I have a little bit of a better understanding of the love that he has for me, for everyone.

I now have a testimony apart from my parents, I have read the Book of Mormon, I have learned things and I've come to the place to trust things. Do i understand it all, no way. but i kinda think that's half the fun. I love faith. I love the way it makes me feel

Faith is the 1st principle in the LDS church Faith is a hope for things which are not seen which are true, Faith for me is trusting that there is a God that is aware of me and my needs, that he created me that he knows me, Faith for me is trusting that because I believe in him and trust in him, I am exactly where I need to be, Faith for me is believing that because I am following the commandments he has given to us that everything I am doing in this life is going to affect me forever. I am trusting that what I have learned and felt to be true. I feel the love the Savior and my Heavenly Father have for me and I have faith that it is real. and that brings me peace. the faith that I have that God is a perfect just judge full of perfect love and understanding, brings me comfort, brings me hope and brings me peace.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


New Years is here!

For me I have been thinking about New Years resolutions for a while now, asking people what there's is going to be, and just trying to think of what I want to do, If I want to do anything. I don't usually ever really make any New Years resolutions, well, except get super skinny, so that I can actually like the way I look..(as I roll my eyes at myself.. I need to get over that) we can say though my follow through in the past hasn't worked. ( not to my expectation, that is.) And thats okay. I am where I need to be.
this year i'm thinking about doing things a little different.


Different how? um... I'm still trying to figure that out.
I heard something on some commercial on the T.V. about re-learning something, I wasn't really paying attention so I don't even know what they were advertising but when I heard that I thought, thats it. Thats what I want my 'New Years resolutions' to be about, re-learning.
I am grateful with my life the way it is, I am grateful with the things that I have learned, and the experiences I've experienced, I am grateful with the things that have taught me, and helped me grow, into who I am. But, with that said, I would also like to re-learn some things.
I want to be a better me.
I want to be a happier me.
I want to be a more optimistic, trusting, loving, compassionate, honest, me. I want to be kinder to myself. I want to be more loving to myself. Now, this may all sound very selfish, and even self-centered, and maybe it is a little bit. But I can't tell you how sick I am of feeling like 'one' day i'll be good enough. Not right now but 'one' day in the future I'll be enough. Instead of thinking like that, I want to 're-learn', I want to be good now. I am a person of value. I have a purpose, maybe its just to be kind to the little kids that come get there haircut at my salon, maybe its something bigger, but whatever it is I am ready to re-learn how I feel about myself. I think a lot, if not everyone can relate to this, and that is why I am putting it out there. I think a lot, if not all of us are too hard on ourselves, thinking that we are not enough, where we are at. because we are not where someone else is, or we just aren't where we "think" we need to be. I say WHATEVER to that, I have a God that created me, who is aware of me, who loves me and because HE is God If i wasn't where I need to be he would do something about it. My God is all powerful, all knowing and all loving. He has the power to do anything, and everything, so knowing that I know I've been where I need to be, and I am where I am because I should be. That thought gives me hope.
That thought gives me peace.
I know I am a spiritual being here on earth to progress and to learn.
I want to progress, and I want to learn.
This year I am going to re-learn some things. This year I am going to try to re-learn a lot of things. This year maybe you want to re-learn some things? And maybe it just starts out by trusting.
trusting and believing that even though it may seem like its in the future, whatever it is. Its actually enough now. perfect now. right in this moment its just right. now.