Sometimes I think about who I was, things I did and I feel so different from the person I use to be. Its weird to think about the way i felt. the things i thought. how i acted. I feel a lot of remorse for it sometimes. but I guess I am able to forgive easier because of it. because I can only be thankful for all the forgiveness i've been given. I can only go forward in Christ, steadfast in him and his truth. to keep going. I'm sorry for the example I was then. but i have to believe that the light thats with in me, the light that I chose, shines brighter and to more people then the dark i ever had did. Its about healing the wound. but leaving the scar, staying humble because of Gods grace and mercy something I was given when i didn't even deserve it.

Gods hands.

I've been feeling like i've wanted to write this down for a while.. I use to work at Cookie Cutters. Its a hair salon for kids. I loved my job. I really enjoyed the people I worked with and I loved working with Kids. I had been doing it for several years and the owner of the salon I was working at had asked me If I had ever thought of owning my own. I thought that I wanted to do it. I was redirected. I went on a trip with a friend actually I had thought that I would start saving money so I could buy a franchise of Cookie Cutters but that trip redirected me. Mostly because of a boy. but I won't go to much in to that... haha!. I felt like i needed to quit. I didn't know why. I didn't know what I was going to do. I quit. I didn't work for a couple months. Went to lunch with my Mom and her friend for her birthday ended up finding out about an adorable boutique that was hiring. Started working there. Met the cutest girl in the world I learned so much from her. She was my manager, and I thought she was a doll. I really loved working with her. After a series of events was led to a new job. Peerless Beauty supply. I felt like It all worked out so wonderfully fell right into place. Worked there a while. I also really liked the girls I worked with there. Felt like I learned a lot from them as well. But. One day a girl walks in She works at Sports Clips. Hey. I wanted to work there once I actually interviewed with them once but didn't get it I told her. She said. well we are hiring. A couple days later the manager of Sport Clips comes in. long story short. I feel like I was directed again to a new job. I love the girls I work with I really enjoy working for SportsClips. Now, I am moving to Arizona in about a week. I am transferring Sport Clips stores I am thankful for this opportunity I am thankful that I am able to do this. I feel like this is the right move. I am excited. a little nervous. not so much just excited and grateful how things work out. Lets see where Gods hands lead me next. I believe things work out. And happen for out best interest. (for a reason. :))

tender mercies and lovely experiences

I believe that God works through people. He uses us as tools to help each other. A couple days ago I had the strong sense that I needed to clean out all of the old clothes that I don't wear anymore. seems simple enough. I just was looking at them and I was feeling like they were caring a lot of un needed negative energy. I pulled out everything I had, and piled it on my bed. It was a HUGE pile. I started to feel extremly overwelmed and as dorky as it sounds I knelt down and I said a prayer asking for help in getting rid of the things that I didn't need anymore but also asked to help me keep the things that I would need. A couple years ago I purged myself of almost everything I had and later regretted getting rid of a lot of the things that I did. This time I wanted guidance. Turns out three days after I had gotten everything together I met a girl. She was a single Mom, and we some how got talking about clothes she told me that she doesn't hardly have any, she borrowed some clothes from a friend of hers because she didn't have anything nice to wear for a job interview. She said she had one pair of jeans, a pair of shoes she had had for 10 years and a couple shirts. I was able to give her all of my clothes that I was getting rid of. I felt and still do feel really grateful to Heavenly Father for helping me listen to the prompting to get rid of the clothes I don't wear, they were beautiful clothes I just for whatever reason didn't wear them. That little experience made me feel so good. It made me feel really grateful to be able to help her out. kindness matters. I think its important that we ask for guidance everyday and instead of looking for "signs" to be guided, we just do. We just go about our life's and because we have asked and have that desire what is needed to happen will happen. God will lead us, He will help us and through him we can do good.

what would you do?

somethings are confusing and somethings make sense. this is just confusing, and it doesn't really make sense to me. This happened several months ago. but I wanted to remember it because it was such a odd night.

guidance? I got off work and called my friend Rhiana to see if she wanted to go eat dinner. We met at super salad.
after we ate we drove in my car to Target.
I had a weird, bad feeling in Target, like we needed to leave. like something bad was going to happen. I was creeped out. We left.

It was freezing cold. bitter cold. deathly cold actually. My lungs hurt from running from Target to the car. holy cow it was cold.

We are sitting in the car in the parking lot at super salad. Rhiana not wanting to leave because my car was so warm. We're just talking, Rhiana looks up, she gasps, I look up. Standing out side of the car is a man. asking me to roll down my window. Oh crap i think.

I am hesitant but end up rolling it down. He says he's freezing (I believe that.) He's trying to get to Provo. He just got out of incarceration he's trying to get to his nephew. I'm sitting in the car shocked this is happening. He tells us his nephew is sick and someone took his car so he has no way of coming to get him. I say. okay. well how did you get here. He says he took the trax station. I say okay, go back to the trax station and take that to Provo. He says it doesn't go any further South. and all the buses were done for the night. it was about 10ish... I'm like holy freak what is going on. I can't let this dude in my car. I don't know what to do. but i can't just drive off. it was so cold outside. I was thinking he's going to die if he stays in this weather all night. i don't know what to do .... i don't know what to do.... I call my brother in law to ask him, he doesn't answer.... I didn't know who else to call... I call 911. I tell them exactly what is going on, I ask if the can send a police officer to asses the situation. The operator tells me that a officer is not going to come give this guy a ride. I say to her. what would you suggest I do? I don't feel comfortable letting him in my car because it is just me and my friend. but I don't feel comfortable just driving away because it is so cold. She says. well i don't suggest you let him in the car. She was no help. ( I had rolled my window up because i didn't want the guy to know i had called 911, by this point he is walking away, I'm sure he just figured we weren't going to do anything to help him.)

I hang up with the 911 dispatcher lady. I say to Rhiana I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I say God. I don't know what to do. what do I do? I don't feel, anything. The only thing I think is, "when you help the least of them you are helping me" I say okay Rhiana get out of my car, I'm going to go get him. She says. you cant go get him by yourself. I say okay. are you okay with this? are you okay with going to pick him up to take him somewhere. she says yeah.

We drive to go find him. he has gone left but we have to turn right because there is a median in the middle of the road. we pull up right behind a police officer... I start honking my horn and flashing my lights. I guess he doesn't hear me because he just drives off.. I'm like really? we turn around to go get him. I pull up right next to him I say. HEY. You have to understand I am not comfortable letting you in my car. We are two girls alone. and you are some random dude we don't know, asking for a ride to Provo. I said, But. I do know how cold it is outside. and I don't feel comfortable just driving off to let you die in the cold. I said there can be NO FUNNY BUSINESS. My friend will have her cell phone ready to push 911. and that bag, Your bag. I don't know whats in your bag. You CAN NOT have that in the back with you... he says, that's okay, thats okay, here take it you can hold it as he's pushing it in the open window. and I said and your coat... I don't know if you have a knife or a gun or whatever could be in your pocket... he's like, No, no i don't I don't have anything like that, here you can take it all, I'm just so cold, I'm freezing cold, thank you thank you so much. You have idea how cold I am, as he's taking his gloves, hats coat, everything off handing it to Rhaian through the window. he shows us his passport. I say. Okay. now you can get in the back. He's about crying he's saying thank you thank you.

He gets in the car. LOOONG story short. we drive in 35 min to Provo. I DO NOT suggest picking up random strangers and giving them a ride. BUT. for some reason I think he needed us that night. it was because i trusted God, and thought when you serve the least of them you are serving me. I felt like it was the right thing to do.no matter how crazy. dumb. asinine it seems. that night was freezing cold. ( if it wasn't so bitter cold. I would never have done that.) I used my street smarts ( yep. yep. i did.) and i helped out someone down on there luck. I hope it never happens again. but I'm thankful for the safety i was blessed.

God is aware. God was aware of that man. He was aware of me. He was aware of Rhiana. and i can only assume he sent us to help him. I'm thankful for my safety. and I hope that man is making better choices.

i cried it out. and now i feel better

I don't usually cry a ton. but tonight i cant stop my heart chakara is warm, not the good oh i feel so nice and warm in my bosom warm. its kind of a dull ache feeling. My understanding is so small. so tiny. so little. But tonight I'm sad. I look like hell too. my eyes are all sorts of red and puffy. my nose is stuffed. my hair is in a braid and I'm blowing my nose in a red handkerchief. I'm so happy I'm single.... hahaha. seriously though. actually i wouldn't want anyone to see me like this. I have this doll I've had since i was a baby. her name is jamie pie. she sort of looks like a baby clown. but she's soft and squishy and i love her. i remember i use to not be able to sleep with out her. one night we couldn't find her I wasn't going to be able to sleep until i had her with me. I think my dad found her. maybe it was my mom. I don't remember. Its okay to cry. it gets out the stuff you don't need inside your body... right?? yea. i guess so. it's easy to have a pity party and then you have to slap your face because you weren't just in a tsunami. why the heck is there a dumb T in the front of that word. and chameleon I still don't know how to say that word right the first time. I hope I've never caused anyone so much hurt that they cried and cried. Oh my gosh I'm so drama tonight. I'm going from one thing to another. crying about that. then i settle myself then i start thinking about something else... lol oh hells bells. get a grip. I haven't bit my nails in a while. that's successful. and I've been moisturizing my face daily that's so lovely. although i have a big pile of clothes on my floor waiting to be put in there rightful place in the closet I forgive myself. I really do like doing things a Mom would do. and i really do wonder if i ever will be a mom. I'm so scared of the thought of ever having kids and maybe scaredier I'll never have the chance. Men scare the crap out of me. I don't get them. I don't understand them. I hate them. yet i love them. Its such a bizarre mess. Whatever I thought love was. isn't really. I'm so lucky I've really been blessed with the best best friends in my life. whenever I've had a best friend. I've had aBEST friend. and unless i find that in a dude version I wont ever get married. I don't want to. I don't care who's reading this. I don't care who's not reading this. Its just making me feel better to type these words. haha. i know. I'm crazy. what eve. :)

it snowed.

I'm not sure of a lot of things. I don't have prof I don't have evidence but I'm learning that that's okay. Today my mind has been thinking a lot. round and round it goes.

When I was a teenager, I hated more then i loved, I hated who i was, I hated where I was, I hated a lot of things. I was confused I was unsure and I was mad.
I've grown up in an LDS religion I've gone to church since I was little. I believed I went to church and I trusted, I loved hearing stories about faith and I believed them. Once a month there is a fast and testimony meeting where it is open to the people in the church to get up and share there testimony on the gospel of Jesus Christ of latter day saints. When I was really little, I was obnoxious and always wanted to be talking and the center of attention, every other Sunday we would go to my Dad's church on their fast and testimony meetings all you would have to do was stand up and the priesthood holders would bring you a microphone and you could bare your testimony from where you were standing, I remember I would stand up almost every fast and testimony meeting. One time in particular my little brother was laying underneath the benches and while I was baring my testimony he started to tickle my feet, I was getting really frustrated and flustered. I started to cry. after the meeting a women came up to me and thanked me for my testimony and she told me, I cried because I had felt the spirt.
NO.
I thought. You are wrong.
I started to question if anything i had been taught was true. up to this point I had trusted my parents and what they had said and what they had taught. Now i was confused. was this all a lie. I didn't bare my testimony anymore.

I grew into a teenager and lost all belief in Love. I didn't know what it was and I thought it was just a lie. I hated myself so much. I would say the meanest things to God, You screwed up, what is wrong with you, If anything is possible fix me, change me, please bless that I will just die turn into nothing become nothing,

One Christmas we were not suppose to get snow. the chance was slim. the weather man said we would not be getting snow for Christmas.
That Christmas Eve I said a prayer for the first time in a long time, I needed to know if God loved me, I asked for a sign, (I know now sign seeking isn't right Its not faith but i was at a different place I was thinking differently then I do now)
I prayed that if it snowed then, I would know God loves me, I remember my mom coming into the room Christmas morning to wake us up, one of the first things she said was, It snowed. I jumped up and ran to the window. It had snowed. was this an answer to my prayer? I was hopeful for a little while then told myself no. it was a coincidence. It would have snowed even if I didn't say that prayer.

I've experienced a lot of things, I've thought a lot of things, I was dreaming once, I was lucid dreaming, so i knew i was dreaming and i was manipulating it to have things happen the way i wanted them to, In my dream I thought I'm going to go back in time and I am going to change some things make them so they never happened, in my dream I couldn't do it, it wouldn't change for me. The things I wanted to change so bad wouldn't change for me. Then the thought i had was, maybe it wasn't something that you would have liked to happen, but maybe it was suppose to happen, now, move forward. except it the way it is, learn from it and move on.

I appreciated that dream. I am at a totally different place to where I was, But I am thankful for what I have experienced, I feel like I am a more compassionate, understanding person because of what I have learned. I am thankful for what I have learned and I can recognize the difference my life was, to what is now. am I perfect now, have I overcome all my weaknesses. no. I'm still learning but because I was able to apply the atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ I have a little bit of a better understanding of the love that he has for me, for everyone.

I now have a testimony apart from my parents, I have read the Book of Mormon, I have learned things and I've come to the place to trust things. Do i understand it all, no way. but i kinda think that's half the fun. I love faith. I love the way it makes me feel

Faith is the 1st principle in the LDS church Faith is a hope for things which are not seen which are true, Faith for me is trusting that there is a God that is aware of me and my needs, that he created me that he knows me, Faith for me is trusting that because I believe in him and trust in him, I am exactly where I need to be, Faith for me is believing that because I am following the commandments he has given to us that everything I am doing in this life is going to affect me forever. I am trusting that what I have learned and felt to be true. I feel the love the Savior and my Heavenly Father have for me and I have faith that it is real. and that brings me peace. the faith that I have that God is a perfect just judge full of perfect love and understanding, brings me comfort, brings me hope and brings me peace.

re-learning

New Years is here!

For me I have been thinking about New Years resolutions for a while now, asking people what there's is going to be, and just trying to think of what I want to do, If I want to do anything. I don't usually ever really make any New Years resolutions, well, except get super skinny, so that I can actually like the way I look..(as I roll my eyes at myself.. I need to get over that) we can say though my follow through in the past hasn't worked. ( not to my expectation, that is.) And thats okay. I am where I need to be.
But,
this year i'm thinking about doing things a little different.

Different.

Different how? um... I'm still trying to figure that out.
I heard something on some commercial on the T.V. about re-learning something, I wasn't really paying attention so I don't even know what they were advertising but when I heard that I thought, thats it. Thats what I want my 'New Years resolutions' to be about, re-learning.
I am grateful with my life the way it is, I am grateful with the things that I have learned, and the experiences I've experienced, I am grateful with the things that have taught me, and helped me grow, into who I am. But, with that said, I would also like to re-learn some things.
I want to be a better me.
I want to be a happier me.
I want to be a more optimistic, trusting, loving, compassionate, honest, me. I want to be kinder to myself. I want to be more loving to myself. Now, this may all sound very selfish, and even self-centered, and maybe it is a little bit. But I can't tell you how sick I am of feeling like 'one' day i'll be good enough. Not right now but 'one' day in the future I'll be enough. Instead of thinking like that, I want to 're-learn', I want to be good now. I am a person of value. I have a purpose, maybe its just to be kind to the little kids that come get there haircut at my salon, maybe its something bigger, but whatever it is I am ready to re-learn how I feel about myself. I think a lot, if not everyone can relate to this, and that is why I am putting it out there. I think a lot, if not all of us are too hard on ourselves, thinking that we are not enough, where we are at. because we are not where someone else is, or we just aren't where we "think" we need to be. I say WHATEVER to that, I have a God that created me, who is aware of me, who loves me and because HE is God If i wasn't where I need to be he would do something about it. My God is all powerful, all knowing and all loving. He has the power to do anything, and everything, so knowing that I know I've been where I need to be, and I am where I am because I should be. That thought gives me hope.
That thought gives me peace.
I know I am a spiritual being here on earth to progress and to learn.
I want to progress, and I want to learn.
This year I am going to re-learn some things. This year I am going to try to re-learn a lot of things. This year maybe you want to re-learn some things? And maybe it just starts out by trusting.
trusting and believing that even though it may seem like its in the future, whatever it is. Its actually enough now. perfect now. right in this moment its just right. now.