it snowed.

I'm not sure of a lot of things. I don't have prof I don't have evidence but I'm learning that that's okay. Today my mind has been thinking a lot. round and round it goes.

When I was a teenager, I hated more then i loved, I hated who i was, I hated where I was, I hated a lot of things. I was confused I was unsure and I was mad.
I've grown up in an LDS religion I've gone to church since I was little. I believed I went to church and I trusted, I loved hearing stories about faith and I believed them. Once a month there is a fast and testimony meeting where it is open to the people in the church to get up and share there testimony on the gospel of Jesus Christ of latter day saints. When I was really little, I was obnoxious and always wanted to be talking and the center of attention, every other Sunday we would go to my Dad's church on their fast and testimony meetings all you would have to do was stand up and the priesthood holders would bring you a microphone and you could bare your testimony from where you were standing, I remember I would stand up almost every fast and testimony meeting. One time in particular my little brother was laying underneath the benches and while I was baring my testimony he started to tickle my feet, I was getting really frustrated and flustered. I started to cry. after the meeting a women came up to me and thanked me for my testimony and she told me, I cried because I had felt the spirt.
NO.
I thought. You are wrong.
I started to question if anything i had been taught was true. up to this point I had trusted my parents and what they had said and what they had taught. Now i was confused. was this all a lie. I didn't bare my testimony anymore.

I grew into a teenager and lost all belief in Love. I didn't know what it was and I thought it was just a lie. I hated myself so much. I would say the meanest things to God, You screwed up, what is wrong with you, If anything is possible fix me, change me, please bless that I will just die turn into nothing become nothing,

One Christmas we were not suppose to get snow. the chance was slim. the weather man said we would not be getting snow for Christmas.
That Christmas Eve I said a prayer for the first time in a long time, I needed to know if God loved me, I asked for a sign, (I know now sign seeking isn't right Its not faith but i was at a different place I was thinking differently then I do now)
I prayed that if it snowed then, I would know God loves me, I remember my mom coming into the room Christmas morning to wake us up, one of the first things she said was, It snowed. I jumped up and ran to the window. It had snowed. was this an answer to my prayer? I was hopeful for a little while then told myself no. it was a coincidence. It would have snowed even if I didn't say that prayer.

I've experienced a lot of things, I've thought a lot of things, I was dreaming once, I was lucid dreaming, so i knew i was dreaming and i was manipulating it to have things happen the way i wanted them to, In my dream I thought I'm going to go back in time and I am going to change some things make them so they never happened, in my dream I couldn't do it, it wouldn't change for me. The things I wanted to change so bad wouldn't change for me. Then the thought i had was, maybe it wasn't something that you would have liked to happen, but maybe it was suppose to happen, now, move forward. except it the way it is, learn from it and move on.

I appreciated that dream. I am at a totally different place to where I was, But I am thankful for what I have experienced, I feel like I am a more compassionate, understanding person because of what I have learned. I am thankful for what I have learned and I can recognize the difference my life was, to what is now. am I perfect now, have I overcome all my weaknesses. no. I'm still learning but because I was able to apply the atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ I have a little bit of a better understanding of the love that he has for me, for everyone.

I now have a testimony apart from my parents, I have read the Book of Mormon, I have learned things and I've come to the place to trust things. Do i understand it all, no way. but i kinda think that's half the fun. I love faith. I love the way it makes me feel

Faith is the 1st principle in the LDS church Faith is a hope for things which are not seen which are true, Faith for me is trusting that there is a God that is aware of me and my needs, that he created me that he knows me, Faith for me is trusting that because I believe in him and trust in him, I am exactly where I need to be, Faith for me is believing that because I am following the commandments he has given to us that everything I am doing in this life is going to affect me forever. I am trusting that what I have learned and felt to be true. I feel the love the Savior and my Heavenly Father have for me and I have faith that it is real. and that brings me peace. the faith that I have that God is a perfect just judge full of perfect love and understanding, brings me comfort, brings me hope and brings me peace.

re-learning

New Years is here!

For me I have been thinking about New Years resolutions for a while now, asking people what there's is going to be, and just trying to think of what I want to do, If I want to do anything. I don't usually ever really make any New Years resolutions, well, except get super skinny, so that I can actually like the way I look..(as I roll my eyes at myself.. I need to get over that) we can say though my follow through in the past hasn't worked. ( not to my expectation, that is.) And thats okay. I am where I need to be.
But,
this year i'm thinking about doing things a little different.

Different.

Different how? um... I'm still trying to figure that out.
I heard something on some commercial on the T.V. about re-learning something, I wasn't really paying attention so I don't even know what they were advertising but when I heard that I thought, thats it. Thats what I want my 'New Years resolutions' to be about, re-learning.
I am grateful with my life the way it is, I am grateful with the things that I have learned, and the experiences I've experienced, I am grateful with the things that have taught me, and helped me grow, into who I am. But, with that said, I would also like to re-learn some things.
I want to be a better me.
I want to be a happier me.
I want to be a more optimistic, trusting, loving, compassionate, honest, me. I want to be kinder to myself. I want to be more loving to myself. Now, this may all sound very selfish, and even self-centered, and maybe it is a little bit. But I can't tell you how sick I am of feeling like 'one' day i'll be good enough. Not right now but 'one' day in the future I'll be enough. Instead of thinking like that, I want to 're-learn', I want to be good now. I am a person of value. I have a purpose, maybe its just to be kind to the little kids that come get there haircut at my salon, maybe its something bigger, but whatever it is I am ready to re-learn how I feel about myself. I think a lot, if not everyone can relate to this, and that is why I am putting it out there. I think a lot, if not all of us are too hard on ourselves, thinking that we are not enough, where we are at. because we are not where someone else is, or we just aren't where we "think" we need to be. I say WHATEVER to that, I have a God that created me, who is aware of me, who loves me and because HE is God If i wasn't where I need to be he would do something about it. My God is all powerful, all knowing and all loving. He has the power to do anything, and everything, so knowing that I know I've been where I need to be, and I am where I am because I should be. That thought gives me hope.
That thought gives me peace.
I know I am a spiritual being here on earth to progress and to learn.
I want to progress, and I want to learn.
This year I am going to re-learn some things. This year I am going to try to re-learn a lot of things. This year maybe you want to re-learn some things? And maybe it just starts out by trusting.
trusting and believing that even though it may seem like its in the future, whatever it is. Its actually enough now. perfect now. right in this moment its just right. now.

enough.

growing, growing, growing.

we each have something to learn, everyday.

some people learn fast.

some people learn a little slower.

neither is wrong.

there are no mistakes.

life is life. it is.

its life. it just is.

You were a born a baby. you are enough.

you cried. you are still enough

you grew to a toddler, you are enough.

you disobeyed, you are still enough.

you grew more. everyday. every. day. you are enough.

every day you are enough.

you made mistakes. you are enough.

you made them again. you are enough.

you learned, you are enough.

you are the same person as that baby that was a baby and was enough then, you are enough now.

now believe it.

we all have things to learn. I hope we can all be taught the way that helps us learn the fastest. and i hope we can do things to remind us of what we have learned so we don't forget and need to learn it again.

sometimes things happen that you wish didn't but they did. If you dream hard enough you cant change what has already happened. maybe you wish it didn't happen, maybe your having a hard time moving on. but even if that's the case you are still enough. doesn't matter how long you think about it. it doesn't matter how long you dwell on it. you will learn. but you do already know. try to remember and just believe you are enough. say it say it say it. until you know it know it know it. because whether you believe it or not, you are enough.

It is or it isn't.

I doesn't believe in coincidences why should I? I have a God who is aware of me, my needs and every aspect of my life. Do I understand how he could, or even does do it. How he's so aware of me. Not even just me every other spirit child he has created. No. of course I have not a clue. but I have faith. Have I wondered if he is even paying any attention, yes.

but, Each day I would like to doubt a little less and know a little more.

So I choose to not believe in 'coincidences'. I have trust. I have hope. I have Faith, that my life is how it should be. I am living the plan he has for me. I am the plan he has for me. Do I see someone else's life and think that should be me, I should have that. Do I think it should be different, sometimes do. But I feel like that must be just part of growing as a human being. Learning to not compare just love. love and trust that as you do good you choose whats right for you. You have the life you are destined to have. You have everything you have ever wanted, and you can have anything you want now. You are evolving changing growing learning trusting going and doing.

God is God.

God created me.

God created it all.

There mere thought of his power and hand in my life gives me so much hope. so much comfort. so much peace. I choose to feel that way. I have faith in his awareness of my life.

He loves me. I love him.

oh baby is that you

I needed to change my flight. I change my flight.

I'm sitting at the airport flying back to SLC and I see a Mom with 3 kids. little kids. at this point I just notice her.

Standing at the B loading area at South West quite a ways in front of me is this guy, very good looking, I think to my self I want to sit by him, its open seating, so this was perfect. We start loading onto the plane. He sits in an asle seat, I choose the spot a row behind on the other side of the plane, very easy to see each other, an asle seat. I'm thinking this is perfect. I sit down. Then I glance back there's that Mom with her 3 kids. I thought I saw her standing with someone before, but it looks like she's traveling alone. with 3 babies. I keep glancing back because i'm trying to figure out if she is alone or not. I say to her, Your kids are so cute! how old are they. She tells me the oldest just turned 3 the middle just turned 2 and the baby was almost a year. about 9months old. I say well you've got your hands full! she laughs yeah.

The plane takes off. We've been flying for a while. The baby the Mom is holding is getting fussy. then the one by the window starts crying. The Mother is trying to comfort her with her hand. theres not much else she can do she has a baby on her lap a kid in the middle seat and her at the window crying. I'm getting super ansie I wanted to take the baby out of her hand so she could comfort the crying one. It was very hard for me to sit still. and not say anything but I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. The little girl stops crying and I glance back and make eye contact with the Mom, I say to her, I'm traveling alone if you need any help I can help. She just kind of smerks. Okay. I said something. I felt better.

Were about an 1 1/2 into the flight and the ladies kids are doing awesome. I'm really impressed I'm still more focused on this guy sitting in front of me. I get up to go to the bathroom. I come back to my seat, the Mom and I make eye contact. She says Is there bathrooms on airplanes? I'm like Yeah I point to it Its back there, Do you want me to hold your baby so you can go to the bathroom? She says that would be so nice. Thank you. She says i'm going to take her to the bathroom can you watch the one by the window too, I'm like of course! I'm playing with the baby she is so cute! so cute! All of her girls were cute! the one by the window is smiling at me and just staring at me. It was cute. The Mom comes back. She now trusts that I really want to help throughout the rest of the flight we small talk a little and I help her with her kids. She tells me they all have never flown before. They actually were suppose to fly yesterday but she was so un prepaired for the airport, she didn't know what to expect she hadn't even brought a stroller or anything so it turned out she missed her flight, she said someone told me I just wasn't meant to fly today. She said her Mom gave her some money and some snacks for the kids so they were a little better prepaired this time. She said we are staying with someone for a month I was like Oh. thats fun! is it family? She says no. I just have it all set up someone ones suppose to be picking us up from the airport and everything. I said Oh. well fun.

So the plane is starting to get ready to land. All the kids are asleep its about 10pm. We land. all of her girls are still asleep. I'm glancing back i'm thinking how is she going to get 3 sleepy kids off of a plane by herself. I start looking at my stuff, I have a purse and a carry on. I think Yea. I could easily carry out a baby. The asle's moving people are getting off the plane. I say to the Mom, would it help if i carried someone out for you? She's like actually that would. thank you. so I put my purse on one shoulder grab the baby grab my carry on and I start up the asle. and yes. I did have to be wearing over the knee high heel boots. that day. but thats right. i'm talented. :) haha. We get to where they bring out your strollers and I see one that looks like one a little kid plays with. I say is this yours? She's like yea. I put the baby in it. Now that we are standing up I look at the Mom and I can see that she is pregnant, i'd guess 7 or 8months pregnant.

I couldn't leave this women, I didn't want to be a creep and like stay right with her bugging her but I just didn't want to leave her. she had a back back on her back a baby in the stroller and to kids holding on to the stroller walking. and she's pregnant. The one little girl just wants to be held. So she picks her up and trys to push the stroller, gets a couple steps and says to her I can't do this your going to have to walk the little girl starts crying. They all have to be so tired. so I just turn around and go pick up the little girl and start carrying her for her. We are walking together to baggage claim I asked her again how old the kids were. she starts telling me a little bit about them. They are from Virginia. she's 8months pregnant. I said Wow. do you know what you are having? she just kind of shrugs. No. Thats why we are here. we are staying with a family thats going to adopt the baby. They gave me a little money to come out here and they are giving us a little money to go home with. We can't afford another baby. My heart broke. I tried my hardest to give no reaction. I said so is your ride going to pick you up at baggage claim? she says well I need to find a phone so I can call her. I hand her my cell phone. she calls. It took us a while for us to find her. as soon as she came up, I left. I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable so waved bye and headed out the doors.

The next day I couldn't stop thinking about her and her cute little family. I cried all day. I was suppose to meet her. We were suppose to cross paths. Did I know I was being led by the spirit? No. for me, sometimes I think the spirit uses really good looking guys to get me where I need to be, and just when I think its them I'm suppose to meet God says look back.

that one girl.

I made a lot of choices I wish I could take back. I became someone I didn't know. You wonder how could such a good thing go so terribly wrong. How could I let myself do that. Where was I? Murky water. I don't even think I was asking for help. but because someone loves me. I got it.

Once upon a time I went to Miami.

The dad wasn't able to go to Miami so the Mom took me to help her with her kids. I was given Sunday and Monday off, um? what was I suppose to do by myself in a city I had never been to?well.. If all else fells and its a Sunday, you always have 3 hours at church. so I called up a bishop in Ohio, asked him if there was any LDS churches by where I was staying that I could go to while I had the day off. he said he'd get right back with me. He called me back and said within blocks of where I was staying there is a singles ward. it starts at one he gave me the address and the name of the bishop to that ward. Well. okay. I had 3 hours taken care of. ;)

That Sunday looking back there wasn't anything that was going to be in the way of me getting to that ward. The lady at the fontainebleau hotel printed off a map quest of how to get there, that was easy. I do remember It was a really windy day. I got a cab. He drove me right to the church. He said to me as i'm getting out, no one's ever had me take them here. I just smile and thought yeah. I'm sure they haven't. I don't even know what i'm doing here. I'm about an hour early the spanish speaking ward was still in, I met an older couple while i'm sitting in the foyer we start talking. They tell me that that ward doesn't start for quite a while, they tell me to go to the beach and hang out until its time, I end up at walgreens. I'm walking around walgreens. The thought, you don't have to go. Just keep shopping. Don't go. I was like yeah. that would be easier. then I don't have to deal with anyone and I could just be alone. then i'm like. you know your going to get bored if you do that then what will you do with your whole day off, If you just go to the church that takes up a good 3 hours and then you can go shopping after.

I end up going to that ward.

I notice a boy passing sacrament. he's dang good looking. he doesn't look at me. I think oh well. who cares like i'm ever going to see any of these people ever again. It was fast and testimony meeting.

It was like everyone that stood up and bore their testimony's were talking to me. I needed to hear all of them. One boy says, it's either true. Or its not. I decided then, i need to figure it out. I made a commitment then I was going to actually read the Book Of Mormon for the first time. I had grown up my whole life Mormon but wanted to be so different from every other Mormon girl that I didn't think I was cut out for it, I had actually never had even given it a chance. just assumed that to be different I had to be completely different.

after church was over, a boy comes up and invites me to go to the fireside that happens to be going on later that evening. sure. i'd love to go (I dont have anything else to do anyway.) So he introduces me to the Relief Society president she was sweet. It was so funny she's like, so where are you from? I told her I was living in Ohio at the time, and she's like oh my gosh this is so weird last night I had a dream I was drawing a map for someone trying to get to Ohio, and now your here. she was like thats sort of weird.

I end up hanging out with her. I go to choir practice with her. of course the choir director girl makes me sing in front of everyone to see if i'm a alto or soprano hahaha it didn't matter how many times I told her I would never be back, she insisted i sung. Yeah. If that wasn't awkward. :) everyone I met there were so much fun. It was like I already knew them, It was just really comfortable.

We drive to the fireside. I meet sacrament boy. and another funny do you have a pen I can borrow boy. They (at different times) ask me to go out tomorrow, since i'll be off.

LONG story shorter, God used one of them as a tool to get me home. He used one of them as a "lure" if you will to get me to move back to Utah.

I will forever have a soft spot in my heart for that boy. I feel like he saved me. saved me from the bad choices i was making. I seriously have no idea where I would be right now if I wouldn't have met him. I have A LOT of love for him. for what he did. wether he knows it or not. I wish him the best. always.

I don't know if this was as much of a spiritual prompting or just a blatant miracle. but I don't ever want to forget it.

what did i just say?

Yesterday in church we heard a lot about the holy ghost, spiritual promptings. In Relief Society we talked about the importance of writing down any and all your spiritual promptings or times we feel we were led by the spirit. Today at work I felt like I should start a blog about all my promptings, so I can remember them. So I can read them again, and remember the love the Savior and my Heavenly Father have for me. Proof that God has his hand in my life.

For me I have felt the spirit in many different ways. This is a story about one way I have felt it.

When I moved to Ohio to work as a nanny, I got there on a Wed. worked the following Thursday and Friday then had the weekend off, Saturday and Sunday. I had wanted to go to the local LDS church out there to meet people, since I knew absolutely no one. Not really even the family I moved in with, I mean I had met them one weekend before I moved in but that was it. So I was really really nervous to ask to use their car. I went up stairs started talking with the Mom and then chickened out in my head. I thought, I'd just go the next Sunday.

Then all of the sudden out come the words, Can I use the car? I literally surprised myself. The Mom was so nice and was like, Of course you can. It was really funny I was like, okay. I guess I'm going to church.

I didn't know where the church was. but I had an address.and a time it started, I asked the Mom if she knew where the street was that the church was on, she didn't. So I just figured that it was a small enough town I could drive around until I found it. Hey. I was good at driving around aimlessly... anyway. so I get in the car and I think; Okay, Heavenly Father if I'm suppose to be at church I need you to help me get there.

I'm driving and Then the thought, OH yeah! I can call my Mom and she can map quest it for me! I thought it was brilliant. I call her, its about 730am her time but she answers, I tell her what I need her to do, So she gets up to go get onto the computer. I look at the sign at the street in front of me and it says, beech street. hahahahaha. oh my goodness I think. I just found it! I start laughing on the phone with my Mom, I'm like, Mom! I just found it. I drove straight to it! hahaha. that's funny.

So I go inside church. I met SO many friendly nice people that Sunday. So many people I'm still friends with now. But the funny thing is I met a girl there that later became my best friend, I believe I needed her while I was out there living in Ohio we just clicked right away. Her and her family welcomed me into their family, and the funny thing is if I would have waited till the next Sunday to go, like I thought I had decided I was going to do, I would not have met her, the next Sunday she wasn't there. actually the next couple Sundays she wasn't there.

I know I was suppose to be at church that day. I know I was suppose to meet her. looking back. I KNOW I was directed by the spirit to get there. Did I know it while it was happening. No. Things just worked out. It was what I refer to as effortless action. acting. but being obviously led.