Monday, March 21, 2011

i cried it out. and now i feel better

I don't usually cry a ton. but tonight i cant stop my heart chakara is warm, not the good oh i feel so nice and warm in my bosom warm. its kind of a dull ache feeling. My understanding is so small. so tiny. so little. But tonight I'm sad. I look like hell too. my eyes are all sorts of red and puffy. my nose is stuffed. my hair is in a braid and I'm blowing my nose in a red handkerchief. I'm so happy I'm single.... hahaha. seriously though. actually i wouldn't want anyone to see me like this. I have this doll I've had since i was a baby. her name is jamie pie. she sort of looks like a baby clown. but she's soft and squishy and i love her. i remember i use to not be able to sleep with out her. one night we couldn't find her I wasn't going to be able to sleep until i had her with me. I think my dad found her. maybe it was my mom. I don't remember. Its okay to cry. it gets out the stuff you don't need inside your body... right?? yea. i guess so. it's easy to have a pity party and then you have to slap your face because you weren't just in a tsunami. why the heck is there a dumb T in the front of that word. and chameleon I still don't know how to say that word right the first time. I hope I've never caused anyone so much hurt that they cried and cried. Oh my gosh I'm so drama tonight. I'm going from one thing to another. crying about that. then i settle myself then i start thinking about something else... lol oh hells bells. get a grip. I haven't bit my nails in a while. that's successful. and I've been moisturizing my face daily that's so lovely. although i have a big pile of clothes on my floor waiting to be put in there rightful place in the closet I forgive myself. I really do like doing things a Mom would do. and i really do wonder if i ever will be a mom. I'm so scared of the thought of ever having kids and maybe scaredier I'll never have the chance. Men scare the crap out of me. I don't get them. I don't understand them. I hate them. yet i love them. Its such a bizarre mess. Whatever I thought love was. isn't really. I'm so lucky I've really been blessed with the best best friends in my life. whenever I've had a best friend. I've had aBEST friend. and unless i find that in a dude version I wont ever get married. I don't want to. I don't care who's reading this. I don't care who's not reading this. Its just making me feel better to type these words. haha. i know. I'm crazy. what eve. :)


  1. i love you so much. i am the exact same way. i cry and cry about everything at once and lay in my bed and then get up the next day and realize that life moves on and i'll be okay. :) you are so wonderful.

    and men suck anyways. they dont even deserve your attention because you're too great. you have too many wonderful things going for you to let a man boggle you down. screw them! lets make a womans club!

  2. You are such a strong and beautiful individual. It saddens me to feel and see you have yet to discover just how amazing you truly are. Letting go of a heart block is an empowering experience and with that always come rewards. Keep on smiling Rachel because the love of your life may just be around the corner waiting to see it.